Marriage: 8 Dangerously Wrong Conventional Wisdoms ...

Marriage: Is conventional wisdom wise?

Marriage, the loving partnership of two people, easily fits the words that the author Charles Dickens once famously penned in his book A Tale of Two Cities.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness,... it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way...."

How does a dream marriage turn into a nightmare?

Most couples feel positive about their relationship when they first wed.? How is it then that so many seemingly well-matched and well-intentioned couple find their matrimonial bliss becoming increasingly tarnished?

The reality is that in the first stage of love, "the honeymoon phase," folks focus on what they find attractive about each other.? Later comes stage two, when spouses begin to address the areas of difference, the his-way, her-way issues. ?

At this point, and again at any point in the relationship where the couple faces difficult challenges, heeding conventional wisdom alas can wreak havoc on a potentially excellent marriage partnership.?

Here's some "words of wisdom" about which it's an especially good idea to wise up.

1. Marriage is about compromise.

Heaven forbid.? Compromise is lose-lose decision-making.? If I want to live in Florida and you want to leave in Seattle, we?ll both be unhappy in Ohio.? Aim instead for win-win solutions.?

If you don?t already know the art of win-win decision-making, that's a skill well-worth a few hours of your time to learn.? I have several posts on PT on the skills (see links below).? There's more info and practice options also in my Power of Two Workbook and on my website, PowerOfTwoMarriage.com.

2. For a happy marriage, couples need to get their anger out.

Yes, and no.? If you are mad, no doubt there's something real that you need to discuss.? The key word here though is discuss.?

As I write in my earlier posting, Anger is a Stop Sign, when you feel angry, or hear your partner becoming angry, stop.? Take a cool-down break, maybe by each getting up and walking in an opposite direction.? Distract yourself initially so your anger can drain.?

Then take a fresh look at the problem.? Figure out what you want.? Then figure out a way to discuss the problem or take alternative action that will solve your dilemma without anger.

Addressing challenging situations via anger is both costly and counter-productive.? It results at best in domination, that is, in forcing your partner to do it your way.? That means you may win the battle but you'll lose the matrimonial war.?

Want a depressed spouse?? A resentful spouse?? Get mad instead of getting smart.

Want your anger to escalate?? The more anger you express, the more intense your anger is at risk for becoming until you flood with rage, erupting in a full anger orgasm.?

Alternatively, smother your anger. Smothering it also invites an eventual outburst of rage.? Better to listen to the concern that your anger is there to alert you of, talk about it together quietly, and then find a solution to the problem. ?????????

3. Marriage communication is important, so be sure to tell your partner what you don't like and what you want him/her to do differently.

Yes, communication in marriage is vitally important.? At the same time, all matrimonial communication is not equal.? Critical and/or controlling communication modes lead to negative emotions, distance and resentment. Effective communication leads to intimacy.

Critical:? I don't like how hot our bedroom gets at night.

Controlling: I would like you to keep the window open

Effective: I would like to find a way to cool off our bedroom at night.? How would you feel about my opening the windows all the way so we get more breeze in our room??

The differences between these three ways of raising an issue may look subtle, but the reality is that your gut can immediately feel the difference if they are said to you.?

Critical: Any formulation of the problem that has not, including in contraction form such as "I don't like...", "I wish you wouldn't..."

Controlling: Any formulation that is telling the other person what you want them to do.? That is, "I would like you to, as opposed to "I would like to..."

Effective: Flip "I don't like" to "I would like."? And flip what you want your partner to do, "I would like you to ..." to what you yourself might do differently, "I would like to..."

Then invite your partner to share his/her reaction to that idea by asking a How or What question.? Now you're on your way to collaborative problem-solving.

4. Father knows best.? Or, mother knows best.?

An I?m right, you?re wrong attitude will block you from listening to your partner's perspective.

The belief that you know best can tempt you to dismiss your partner's viewpoints. That's a recipe for matrimonial disaster.? Persistent insistence on your way or the highway can put you on the fast road to divorce.? In fact, as matrimonial researcher John Gottman's studies have concluded, an attitude of contempt for your partner's views is one of the best predictors of a marriage at risk.

Instead, always assume that you both are sensible and intelligent people.? That?s part of why you chose each other.? So listen for what?s right, what makes sense, instead of what's wrong with what your partner tells you.? Add your partner's views to your own and the odds zoom up that you will succeed in traveling together to ever-more-loving partnership.

5. For a happy marriage, don't go to bed mad.

Actually, it's far better to go to bed mad than to stay up late with fights.? Arguments escalate the more fatigued you both become.?

So instead of continuing to talk once a night-time conversation is turning negative, head for the pillows.? Get a good night?s sleep.? The problem will still be there in the morning, but with rest it?s easier to talk calmly, listen openly to each other's concerns, feel generously responsive to each other, and think creatively about solutions.

6.? Marriage partnership should flow smoothly. If we're arguing, we must not be meant to be together.

Yes, the less arguing, the more satisfying the marriage.? But does arguing mean a matrimonial mismatch?? No.? Arguing indicates skill deficits.

Arguing is usually learned in your family of origin.? If your folks fought, or if you grew up in a single parent family with parent-kid fighting, "Doing what comes naturally" is likely to be doing what you observed and did growing up.

Arguning therefore does not mean that you don't love each other or are not a good match.? It means you'd better upgrade your emotional self-regulation, partnership communication and shared-decision-making skills .

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201208/marriage-8-dangerously-wrong-conventional-wisdoms

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